This is a long entry, but I think it's worth it. This is a Russian university student who converted to Islam. She also married an Uzbek who is a devout Muslim. She talks about some of the challenges she has faced because of her decision to convert. Oh, and she's only 18 years old. Notice that a lot of her challenges come from her nationality. People have made her decision difficult for her because she is now Muslim and Russian. I've noticed this a lot. Many people say that being Kyrgyz and being Muslim are the same thing. If you are one, then you are supposed to be the other.
First of all, my socialization took place in a Muslim society. In our country the religion is Muslim. I was born here and grew up in this environment, and in general I only interacted with Muslim children. Throughout my childhood while growing up I didn’t know a single Russian tradition. Although my passport says I’m Russian, my father was a Tatar and my mother was Greek. I didn’t know Russian traditions at all. More than anything I learned about Muslim traditions. So I grew up in that kind of space. It is easier for me to understand this culture than the one that really relates to me. In time, I started to understand that it was a lot easier for me to live in this religion than in the Christian religion.
But that’s just one reason why I converted to Islam. It’s easier for me to live in this Muslim society and keep Muslim traditions. Second, I married an Uzbek. For the present time, things have worked out that I needed to accept Islam. Well, it didn’t just work out that way…I decided for myself. I accepted Islam for him. But the problem is, he’s from Osh. Muslim traditions in Bishkek are very different from those in Osh. Here, people are more loyal—they deal with things more liberally, more simply. A Russian girl and an Uzbek guy are normal here. But there it’s different. There, the traditions are kept very strictly. Wavering from the traditions is like death. His parents have been tormenting us for two years. They don’t want to accept me. They don’t care that I’ve accepted Islam, or that I pray five times a day. It doesn’t mean anything to them. They need a pure-blooded Uzbek girl, no impurities, nothing. That’s the biggest problem. They have very strong prejudices when it comes to Russians. They’ve never interacted with Russians and they have big stereotypes based on what they see on television. To be Russian means you drink a lot.
They haven’t even seen me. They don’t want to. They don’t allow me to come to the door step. They think I’m a girl of easy virtue, because I’m Russian. And no matter what anyone says, it’s all the same…they don’t have any reason, they just think reasons up. They just want to protect the purity of their nation. If you compare Uzbeks who live in Osh with Uzbeks who live in the capital of Uzbekistan, they are completely different people. It’s the same think with Kyrgyz in Bishkek. They try to improve themselves. Here, Kyrgyz try to speak in Russian. But in the villages, they try to keep the traditions more sternly, because that's their way of life. Here people try to improve themselves and strive for more cultural growth. The same thing in the capital of Uzbekistan—they speak in Russian there too. It’s different with the people who live in Osh. They are very religious. That keep their religion so firmly that it just shocks me.
For example, for my husband, religion is a big part of his life. He pays special attention to it. And it’s really a problem because he can’t go against his parents. That respect is important for him. If they say something, that means there’s wisdom in it. Although he knows that they don’t have any particular reasons. That’s the problem. And I didn’t change my religion in the first place just so they would believe me. I converted because…I personally feel better this way. My father was a Tatar and I ought to be a Muslim. During my socialization I realized that that was my culture.
That’s a different story. I was studying here as a freshman. We have a free internet here, and I met him over the internet. He studied for a year in Turkey. He was in Turkey and we met here. We corresponded for five months, found common interests. Later, when he flew home to Osh, he came to Bishkek first. There are no flights directly to Osh. We met and started to get to know each other. But I only saw him about five times during two years. He came here two times, I came to Osh two times…just for 2 or three days at a time. That’s how it worked out. In reality, we had some really big problems. We tried to break up, because the moral pressure from his parents was really hard. And it was hard for him because, no matter how much he tried to convince them, no matter how many times he begged, they were against it. His parents still don’t know that we’re married, because it would be a terrible blow for them. But they don’t do anything to even try. They have that one point and that’s it, there no going on from there. He left home, said he was going to Turkey. But he was actually here. We got married, but we hide it. Right now he’s gone home, as if he’s just come back from Turkey. But they…I mean, he called me on his second day there and said, “I don’t fit in here. No one understands me. It’s as if I was a criminal, they keep asking me if I was in Bishkek. I’m public enemy number one. It’s like world war three.” It’s a tragedy for them. I don’t know. Their family isn’t…well he has an older brother too…oh, we can use his older brother as an example. They married him off according to tradition. According to their traditions, the mother goes and chooses a wife and he marries her. That’s how they married off his brother. I wouldn’t say that he’s very happy. Basically, his life isn’t working out for him that well and he’s very cold toward his family. That a resting their hopes on the younger son, on my husband, that he’s act like a true Uzbek and do everything his parents say. Because he respects his parents above anything else, but it won’t do any good for him or his parents. They don’t understand how many people they’re ruining. And not to mention that girl that they would marry him to—that would just be hard. And especially when…I know that they talk about me a lot there. I know they have stereotypes and they can’t get away from them. They don’t want to meet me, they feel that I’m a girl of easy virtue, and that’s it. They don’t want to think any more about it. They lived their whole lives in their religion, in their circle, in those borders. They haven’t ever gone any place—they’ve never seen a different way of life. They feel that, if their ancestors lived like that, then they should live just like they did. My husband for example…none of them has gone anywhere, but he went to Turkey. He wants to make something of his life. Just to sit in the provinces and marry a girl he doesn’t want to marry—that’s a problem. He calls me and says, “I’ve become a foreigner. They don’t understand me here and they don’t even try.” His parents say, “We’re your parents. That means we know what’s best for you.”
I asked her what she would do it his parents suddenly called him and told him that they had found a wife for him.
Oh. I don’t know, to tell you the truth. We’ve tried so many times to break up, but it just didn’t work out. I don’t think it will happen. We’d make it for three months, and that’s it. I would go to him or he would come to me. Personally, I think his mother is going to do that. She’s sick of me being in his life, that I haven’t disappeared. She thinks she’ll find someone and that’s it. She’ll do that, go and personally find a wife for him. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life either, if he decides that’s best. Right now he’s just torn between me and his parents. And he can’t betray his religious principles of respecting his parents. But just to give up and live like his parents say, to put him in that box…he can’t win either way. But if he decides to marry that other girl, he knows that won’t lead to anything good. It may be easier on his parents, but it won’t be easier for him or that girl.
I asked how she would feel if it happened.
How could I feel? It would be hard, of course. I don’t know. Naturally, it would be a big blow for me. But because of all of these worries I took a break from school last year. I just couldn’t take it, I laid in the hospital with a nervous disorder, with depression. It was just really hard in general. I broke down my health and everything else. My mother loves [my husband] and it was really hard for her too, he’s like another child in the family. I’m her only child and she naturally wants me to be happy, so it was hard. And because of all that my studies aren’t going too well right now, although as a freshman, when I still hadn’t met him, I was a very good student. Now it’s really hard, and the problems are still building up. And this biggest problem is that I tried, through my husband…I said, let me meet your parents, get acquainted. I’m not against that. Maybe I can try to break the stereotypes they have of me. They don’t know me at all. They should understand. They look, and all they see is Russia. Everyone drinks there. First of all, I wasn’t born in Russia. I was born here, I grew up here, I’m a Muslim. For me, those kinds of behaviors that I see in Russian, they aren’t acceptable for me either. But that fact that I’m not really Russian, they don’t care.
I asked if her decision was worth all the problems it had caused.
They all talk that way. People who know me well say that it’s not worth it. Those two years that I went through, everyone said that it’s not worth it. They always say that, “Oh, you’ll find someone better.” That’s even harder to take. Why would I live through two years of this just to give it all up and say, “Oh, well. I’ll throw it all out and start again.” Why did I start it all then? Of course, when I first met my husband, I said, “I know your traditions. It’s going to be hard.” He agreed. But then you see what happened. Now he can’t decide anything—I basically decide everything. I try to do something. The most offensive things was when he left, he had to pretend that he had just come back from Turkey. He literally left on Monday. We had to go buy some gifts. All of fall break I went around and bought gifts for them. I basically bought gifts for people who don’t like me. And then I call and ask, “Did they like the gifts?” “Of course,” he says. I think, yeah, they like the gifts but they don’t like me.
I asked her why she did all of this--went through all of this.
You have to understand, I know how my husband was raised. His parents raised him very well. In fact, they should be proud that they taught him to be such a good person. And if you are a Muslim, and you feel you are a Muslim, you have to keep all the traditions and do not only as you have to, but as you feel. For example, he never goes to mosque just because he is supposed to. He does it from his heart. They raised him very well. I understand his manners, from the way he acts, that they have a very good family. I analyzed all of this, and I don’t have anything I can say against them. Of course, it would be strange for me to suddenly meet them and start a conversation. It’s really hard to convince people of the opposite of what they have been convinced their whole life. If they think that I’m that way, I don’t understand how to change their mind. But I don’t feel anything really bad towards them. For me, if he’s my husband, then they are my relatives. I’m not used to just feeling that way about people. If I don’t know a person, then he’s a stranger to me. I really enjoyed buying them gifts. I imagined how his nephew would like a toy, so I bought it. It was actually really enjoyable for me.
I asked her why she was willing to sacrifice so much for her husband.
Well, I just sacrifice. For me, it’s not entirely a sacrifice. It’s part of my life. I sacrifice in that I know that we won’t get past their prejudices. I don’t know. I do a lot for my husband. I know how hard it is for him. I try to make his life nicer, I try to help him. There’s not a lot of ways I can help, of course, but I try.
We didn’t solve the problem by getting married. We may not be able to solve one our own, just by asking and trying to convince them. Those feelings aren’t solvable. I was always convinced that you can solve any problem, even if you can just find one way. There is a way, but the only way I’ve found they won’t accept. I’m ready. I told them I wouldn’t ask their son to live away from them, here in Bishkek. I’m wiling to move to Osh and live with them. I’d do anything they want. If they want me to look more Uzbek, I can go to a tanning salon and make my skin darker, I can die my hair black, I can make my eyes look more Uzbek, I can wear a hijab…it doesn’t make a difference to me. The most important thing for me is that they believe me. If it’s important for me to look Uzbek…but the most important thing for them is to not mix the blood. And the problem isn’t just in their family. They’re afraid…they’re all relatives. All of their neighbors are related to them as well. Everyone says that…Uigurs, Uzbeks, they’re all relatives. The opinion of other people who know them is very important. “They’ll lose all respect for us.” It’s not just their stereotype, its belongs to everyone who lives there. In their Mahallah [an administrative region] everyone knows everyone else. They’re afraid if they allow our marriage, everyone is going to judge their family and their decision. New spreads so quickly there. Everyone would know and everyone would remember, point their fingers, judge. And then no one would accept our children there. Even if I take on their entire culture, live with them, sooner or later even my children…if I agree that my daughter also needs to marry an Uzbek, no one would take her. And our family would suffer because of that. Everyone would stop respecting us, because they all have the same opinion. It’s one thing to convince their family, it’s a different thing to convince the entire city. It’s just not right. The problem is that they demand that you live that way and don’t think—don’t even imaging—that they could be another way. I don’t know.
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